46. Sealed in the Storm
© 2021 Daniel Yordy
September 2012 – December 2013
My inability to provide for my family was very distressing to me. I tried to get an adjunct teaching position at both Houston Community College and the nearby San Jacinto College, but I never heard back from either one. Teaching part-time in a college classroom was something I could do, but full-time work was beyond my physical and emotional strength.
This sounds questionable, but other Asperger’s men of the same age also experience the same shutdown physically and emotionally, including the inability to maneuver through all the political stuff that successful employment requires.
Yet if I were not weak, I could never have justified taking the time to write as I have done and through writing, to know the Lord. This is a great contradiction to me, for I would never say, “Well, I can’t work because I have to write.” Rather, it is that, “Since I cannot hold a full-time job, then I will use my time to write with all my heart as I am able.” Yet my writing was not bringing in any provision, and thus I continued in great distress, not knowing the answer to our need.
My Vision
In September of 2012, John Gray, an African American man and a fiery speaker, preached a word at Lakewood Church titled “Lazarus Come Forth.” We did not know it, but this was John Gray’s introduction to the Lakewood congregation. He would become the assistant pastor to take Marcos Witt’s place. The word John Gray preached, however, marked a deep path in my soul. Here is what I wrote in “My Vision I” found in Gathering to Life.
~ ~ Last weekend we listened to a brother by the name of John Gray share a word at Lakewood Church. The brother was hilarious, but inside the laughter, he drove home an incredibly important truth concerning the Word of Christ and how He brings forth God’s purpose. He pointed out that when Jesus first heard that Lazarus was sick, He spoke a word – “This sickness will not result in death.” That word, as the Author of life and reality, went into the tomb where Lazarus would be placed and was there, waiting for him before his dead body was laid there.
Then, Jesus waited until Lazarus had died and was buried four days before arriving at Bethany. When Jesus stood before the opened grave, He stood there as the Finisher. He spoke, “Lazarus, come forth.” The word that He had already spoken as the Author responded to this word which He spoke as the Finisher, and Lazarus could not remain in the grave.
Great excitement stirred inside of me as I pondered that word. Then, early the next morning, God brought this word home to me, personal and real. For eighteen years I have carried a word inside of me, a word I have never let go of, holding to it by faith, knowing that God does what He says. But outwardly, by the sight of the eyes, that word has been dead for 14 years. God spoke to me, now, in late September, 2012, “I will finish the word I planted in your heart.” ~ ~
I continued with an overview of the meaning of Blair Valley to me and of the word of community I have carried in my heart since we left there. More than that, I presented in “My Vision II,” a calling forth of a return to that property in northern British Columbia. I made that call out of faith in the word of God to me and out of the desire and purpose of my own heart.
The vision that I shared caught the interest of many readers, yet in the end, nothing came of it. Blair Valley remained as far away from us as ever.
Putting Together My Books
I like books, and making books is fun. And so, having in hand The Kingdom Rising inspired me with the thought that I had a whole lot of stuff written, all of which could easily become books. I had written several short series of letters as well as others that just stood on their own.
First, I transferred The Jesus Secret to Amazon; that was on September 6, 2012. Then, I penciled in the several short series I had done into the outline for four other books. Next, I looked at all the many solitary letters or small groups of letters that were not in a larger series, and just stuck them in here or there where they seemed to go.
I began with my short series on The Great Story of God, and added a number of other articles that fit. This book was published on September 27. I merged together my two series on “The Unveiling of Jesus Christ” and “Union with Christ” into one volume and inserted a number of other related articles, with The Unveiling published on November 27, 2012. After that, I went back to my earliest articles and wove them into the three series I had spoken into my digital audio recorder just after I had first finished The Jesus Secret. These then became my book Our Path Home, published on December 4. For this text I wrote some new articles to make it flow better.
My final short series were “The Life of the Age to Come” and “Eating of Christ.” Besides those, I had a number of disconnected articles on the topic of Christian Community. I put all these together into what would become Gathering to Life. However, that text needed several more chapters, and thus I did not finish it until March 2, 2013.
None of these books, were laid out in the order in which they were written, as I have done most of the time since Kingdom Rising. My books do not read smoothly like most Christian books one can buy. My purpose, however, is not to write popular literature, but to know the Lord. More than that, my books remain rough drafts. I cannot afford to take them through the editing process in the way that I did with The Jesus Secret, though I would, for editing only improves the clarity with which readers can perceive what I share. Yet rather than redoing any of these books, I write a new book that goes back through the same topic, but inside the present word of Christ.
I sent copies of all these books to Rick Annett, who was still living in Fort St. John at this time and asked him to give copies to different ones of the brethren there, which he did. Chris Welch ordered copies for himself and posted on his website a picture of himself rejoicing as he held my books in his hands. But I have sold very few books. I have given away way more than I have sold.
Because I now write with a full book in mind, I lay out the topic into an outline of chapters and then typically write one book at a time. It is my great hope that, not long after this account of my life is in your hands in printed form, I will have published a total of 27 books, although I have a number of others that could also become books. I am very much in favor of Solomon’s “prophesy” – Of the writing of books, there is no end.
Anguish over the Word
I do not write just to write. I write to know the Lord through KNOWING what God means by what He says to me in my Bible, and to know it as Jesus written upon my heart. And so I often write in anguish, that God would cause me to know His Word.
At the same time, I do not write out from my head. Rather, I start with a thought that pulls in a Bible verse, and then I just start writing about what the words of that verse say. As I continue, then, other verses arise from my heart, having been planted deeply there over many years. I do not search out “the next verse”; rather, it comes to me, often unbidden.
For thirty years, I received word into myself through others, much word from many directions. Now, my purpose had become to bring forth from my own heart the agony I felt from God over the Word that was buried deep inside. I have always distressed over dishonesty towards what God actually says in His Word. To me, then, to write is to live, to know God by knowing the reality of His words now written all through me.
I would read “what other Christians say” that contradicts what God says in the Bible, or twists it contrary to the context or puts verses into the wrong places or is contrary to our precious union with Christ or that accuses God of evil in one way or another or is illogical and pointless or is NOT what God is doing in us in the completion of this age or is entirely of the evil one in a rejection of the gospel. Very often, my writing is a response of great distress, in the burning of my heart against that which opposes Christ, yet is so readily and thoughtlessly spoken by Christians.
Through August, I had written on “The Altar of Incense” and “Gethsemane” in The Covenant, two chapters that marked themselves deeply inside of me. But then, around the first part of September, Chris Welch posted some things that just contradicted Christ living as us, a truth he had seemed to support. These things included speaking against other ministries of Christ who “had it wrong,” not to clarify the truth, but to demean them. In fact, in the summer of 2011, I had written my letter “Strange Fire,” in response to someone writing on Chris’s feed words of accusation against another coming out of “Hey, my accusation is Christ as me!”
So I emailed Chris asking him why he would say such things in light of our belief in union with Christ. I received no response, which I interpreted as his forbearance towards my foolishness in thinking that I should correct him. Nonetheless, I was thrown into great distress. Was I hearing from God or was all my writing just a bunch of nonsense?
In that agony I wrote the first half of “God of the Cup” having no intention of sending it out. Yet, after a couple of weeks of not writing anything, I looked back at what I had written and realized that if I wrote a conclusion, it could be a valid expression of this great contention of “Truth, truth, who’s got the truth!!!” This letter, “God of the Cup,” is one of the most important I have ever written and is, if you will receive it, the same Mighty God contending with you.
Here is just a portion of what I wrote. ~~ God is not under my control. I do not have Him figured out. I cannot define Him; I cannot explain Him. All I can possibly ever do is bow my head upon the ground in silence before Him. To one He says, "Speak," to another He says, "Shut up." To one He says "Go here and go there," to another He says, "Sit down, you aren't going anywhere." And He WILL do the very opposite of what you want, and He will ask you to bow in silence before His right to order His creation as He sees fit. …God does what He wills with His own and He asks no man's pleasure. ~~
I sent that letter out in late September, and then I was able to continue writing the next chapter of my outline for The Covenant.
Sometime during these months I received an email from Kathy Macdonald of southern Ontario. Kathy had been introduced to my writing by another reader and was deeply moved by my letter, “The Altar of Incense” in The Covenant. Kathy had been in deeper truth circles for many years and was anointed by God to understand. Her emails to me were long and were filled with some of the deepest encouragement I have ever received. She did not “puff me up,” but rather confirmed in ways I could receive that God was indeed speaking to His church through me. I was very slow to accept this thought, but Kathy continued to encourage me in this way over the next few years.
In December of 2012, my outline of The Covenant presented me with two chapters, “A Heart Throne,” and “The Mercy Seat.” A question concerning a “new age” writer had come up in communication with a reader. As part of that conversation, I looked briefly at a second “new age” writer as well. In this man’s writing, he talked about drawing people into “love” inside your heart. He was not drawing them into God inside his heart, making it only twisted. Nonetheless, because I have God inside my heart, I knew that such a practice could be true.
The first thing I did was to draw my Asperger’s into my heart to give thanks for all of it. That was a first and a mighty revolution in my life. But I also then presented this practice as something we do towards others, for their sake. I felt concerned, for was this a “new age” practice? And so I placed the fear of God upon my explanation of “practicing the Mercy Seat,” that this is something we do ONLY for the sake of others and ONLY to set them free from ourselves. Yet it was this December of 2012 that the concept of “practicing the Mercy Seat” first entered my life.
Meanwhile, Chris Welch had added a brother named Rich Novek, and his wife, Linda, to the Facebook fellowship. Chris had been communicating with Rich inside the topic of our union with Christ. Because I was a writer and a teacher of writing, Rich asked me to edit a short book he had written and to help him publish it on Amazon. He offered to pay me a reasonable sum for this work, so I took it on.
I am very good at using Adobe InDesign to create books; it did not take me long to lay it out. Nonetheless, there was also a fair bit of editing to do, both in grammar mistakes and in poor word choice. I worked my way through his book; some of it was good, but some of it contradicted our precious union with Christ. At one point he said something contrary to the clear gospel teaching on the Atonement, and so I altered the wording to make it closer to what God actually says. Rich discovered that change, however, and required me to put it back to how he had it.
By the time I was finished with this short book and we had published it, I realized that editing Christian writing was not for me, for things that people say in typical “Christian” terminology that speak against Christ and against our Salvation bother me way too much to endure. Nonetheless, I was intent on practicing seeing Christ as my brother, and so I continued to do toward Rich and Chris.
Rich and Linda Novek lived in Weatherford, Texas, just a few hours from Houston. In January of 2013, Maureen and I drove up to spend a weekend visiting with them. Another sister named Joan Reilly, who was a reader of my letters and part of the Facebook fellowship, was also visiting with the Noveks. Joan was supporting Rich financially, and had been the one who sent me the payment for working on Rich’s book.
We had a wonderful time fellowshipping with the three of them. Rich and Joan both drew much out from me, and I was able to share freely. While we were there, Rich put together a conference video call on his computer with Chris Welch and Annalize Mouton, similar to the Zoom meetings we now enjoy. It was great seeing them live and hearing them speak.
In our conversations together, Rich and I both shared about our desire to travel around to share the word with small groups. We suggested the possibility of going on a ministry trip together. This was very exciting to me, for I do much better when I am with someone else. After we left their home, when we were sitting at a gas station, Maureen encouraged me with her blessing towards this trip. She knew how much such a thing meant to me.
A Time of Clarification
In February, I switched my email service to Constant Contact, which I have used since. Starting with the announcement of our “Upcoming Trip,” sent on February 4, 2013, I now have an accurate record of when I wrote each letter.
During the month of February I wrote the first version of my small booklet, “The Ten Most Important Verses of the Bible.” I had been pondering the meaning of “ruling definitions,” how we hold certain key definitions deep inside, things we hardly ever think about, and that all our thoughts go in the directions those definitions require. I wanted to make the key verses of the gospel to be my own ruling definitions, and I wanted to round their number out to ten, rather than my previous eight. I completed “The Ten Most Important” in the first part of March.
Many of the things that were being posted inside our “union with Christ” fellowship on Facebook continued to really bother me, however. Then Annalize Mouton posted some articles that, to me, contradicted union with Christ by placing the obligation of dishonesty back upon God’s people. I don’t usually respond immediately to things like that; this time I did. But I wrote harshly, in a way that was deeply offensive to Annalize. In fact, I wrote my first version of the letter, “Union with God FIRST,” in that same harsh tone.
I was caught between two, between my “being right” and the heart and friendship of a dear and precious sister in Christ. There was no question that the heart of my sister was far more important. It took me a few weeks, however, of humbling myself and of kind entreaty before I was able to bring my offensive action towards Annalize to a resolution.
I was continuing to publish Bonnie Morris’s occasional articles in her part of my website. Many of them were very good, and some I even sent out as my regular letter. Nonetheless I sometimes found that which seemed to me to contradict the joy of Christ Jesus as our all-Salvation. Through all this time, however, she continued responding to what I wrote with wonderful enthusiasm, for God indeed seemed to be speaking to her through my little bit.
Sometime in late 2012 or early 2013, one of Bonnie’s private statements to me seemed so contrary, that I was quite bent out of shape by it. In my consternation, I used her quote, without referencing her, but as something I was correcting. I was not yet cleansed from an occasional bit of sarcasm escaping through my fingers.
Soon after, I received a reply from Bonnie in which she stated, coldly and directly, “You had no right to publish my private words to you.” She was absolutely correct. Again, I was faced with a choice of what was more important to me, my “pride” or Bonnie Morris’s friendship. I wrote an immediate response to her of deep apology. I shared with her that her friendship was more valuable to me than anything. I sent out a correction to all my readers, apologizing for my offensiveness, and I removed those lines from the webpage and even from my audio.
Bonnie willingly forgave me and continued her almost weekly encouragement, something I needed very much.
Rich Novek and I were planning a ministry trip together that would be a series of stops in Florida and Georgia. We wove together visits with people of his connection with people of my connection, about an equal number. My sister, Frieda and Tim, were living in the Tampa Bay area at this time, near their children, April and Ryan and their families. I hoped to spend time with them while we were in the area.
Then, unexpectedly, Rich’s vehicle, which we were planning to use for the trip, needed extensive work. He emailed me, stating that, because of the difficulties, we would have to reduce the length of our trip. He included a reduced list of stops. All of his connections were on this list and none of mine. I responded in the cheerfulness of Christ, suggesting an alternative plan which would include some of my stops. Then something else happened and again there was a need to reduce the length of the trip and again, his new plan removed all of my stops.
When I saw that, I knew I was dealing with a man who had no thought for others. I realized that I would be under the control of a man who would expect me to fit into his arena without any consideration of the word or ministry coming through me. I do not subject myself to such things. I sent Rich a kind email, taking the fault upon myself, that I would be unable to make the trip at this time.
After I announced to my readers that I would no longer be making this trip, I received emails from both Annalize and Kathy sharing that they had not witnessed to my involvement with Rich Novek, but had been waiting on the Lord that He would make that clear to me, which He did.
Sealed in the Midst of the Storm
From February of 2013 on, my letters became the series that I would title Through Eyes of Fire, which was my first study of the book of Revelation inside the present word I was sharing. While writing this series large changes of understanding came to me. God used this study to affect a significant change in my life and in my knowledge of Him.
Not long after I had disconnected from Rich Novek, my next outline topic was Revelation 7, the sealing of the saints, an article which I wrote through the week of May 19th. I completed that article, titled “Sealed in the Midst of the Storm” and read it into audio on Saturday, May 25, before sending it to my readers the next Sunday morning. In that letter I had written the following prayer out from the words “I will write on him the name of My God” in Revelation 3.
~~ “Father, You say in Your word that I am transformed by the renewing of my mind. You say that You write Your name, the very New Name of Christ upon my forehead; You speak of my being sealed in my forehead before the storm hits. Father, You are speaking of the gospel of Christ; You are speaking of the Cup that turned to Joy in Jesus' heart. Father, Your word is Your will for me. I ask according to Your will.
“Father, I ask You to write Your name, 'God,' upon my forehead as the visible evidence that I am filled with all the fulness of God, according to the gospel. Father, I ask You to write Jesus' new name upon my forehead in all that You mean by Your metaphor, as the proof that Christ is indeed my only life. Father, I ask that You write the words, 'New Jerusalem,' upon my mind, as the sign of Your Spirit flowing out from me as rivers of living water.
“Father, I ask You to seal my mind utterly in You, that I am no longer susceptible to any thought, any vibration, any energy that is not flowing out of You through me. Father, I ask that, from here on through, I will see all things through seven eyes of Fire, through the lens of Your Spirit, that I will walk knowing as You know and seeing as You see.
“And Father, having asked according to Your will, I keep the Word Jesus spoke. I believe that You have given me, that I have received in all fullness all that I have asked.“
“Thank you, Father, that Your name is there, in neon lights, upon my forehead. I will never again be conscious of any other name. Thank you, Father, that Jesus' new name, the name of the victorious, ascended Christ, covers my forehead, my face, my whole body. Thank you, Father, that my mind and forehead are utterly sealed into you, that I have the mind of Christ. Thank you, Father, that I am Your Jerusalem, the city of David, and that Life is always flowing out from me.
“Thank you, Father, that I see all things through eyes of Fire, through Your eyes. Thank you, Father, that my judgment is true, for I am never alone, but I see always through You, who always fills me full. ~~
As I spoke this prayer out loud into the audio, my life forever changed. Prior to this moment, I had been assailed upon occasion by times of great discouragement and frustration with God and with my inabilities. At times I went a couple of weeks without writing anything, just wallowing in discouragement. During these times I had allowed myself to believe that I was “cut off from God.” Every time, however, the Lord would arise in me and restore my heart to joy.
On May 25, 2013, this all came to an end. From then until now I have never known a moment when I chose to believe that God was “far away from me.” From then until now I have not known a week when I did not want to write out from Jesus singing in my heart. I am a man who has wallowed in self-pity for decades. There is no question that God fulfilled His word in my life, sealing me into Himself, as I spoke this prayer out loud. God does what He says He will do.
Our Final Time at Lakewood
After this experience inside of God at the end of May, I realized that two changes had taken place inside of me specific to general Christianity as it is known. The first realization was that the word was no longer satisfying my deep cry to know the Lord. It was still a good word preached by Joel Osteen, but my season under that word was coming to a completion.
The second realization was not so much towards what Joel was preaching, but rather towards Nicene Christian speaking in general, the speaking of words contrary to the good-speaking of Christ, words of unbelief. This included things that others said in the services rather than from Joel’s messages of encouragement. I began to groan inside over the agony of the true words of our union with Christ not being declared.
This agony has only increased. I simply cannot bear to hear words preached contrary to Christ, the agony is too great. If you would scan through my chapter “Sealed in the Midst of the Storm,” you will see that this quality is very much a part of that letter. I wrote these words just prior to the prayer. – “Do we weep over the limitation of Christ? I have wept over the limitation of Christ for many years and now more than ever.”
By mid-July, I knew that our time at Lakewood was complete. Lakewood had been our home church for seven years, the place where our children grew into their teenage years. They had always attended the main services with us rather than going to the children’s or the youth services. Maureen and I wanted them to be in the word and Spirit of the Lord, and, of truth, they preferred to be there as well.
For seven years, Joel had taught me to stop speaking curse against myself in the story of my mind. At the completion of those seven years, God sealed me into a mind that will know only Him. That doesn’t mean I am no longer human; it means that I always place my human foolishness into God, that He shares all that I am together with me. I never separate myself from my Father in any moment’s thought.
But there was an additional reason why our time at Lakewood came to an end that July. You see, Joel preached one line in many different ways, and that was to put our hope and expectation in God, in the certain knowing that God’s favor surrounds our way in all things.
Sunday after Sunday, for seven years, I would leave the service in great hope, believing with all my heart that now was my time, that God was about to fulfill my desire by taking us as a family into a Christ Community in a rural setting as I now knew community should be. Yet nothing ever came of that expectation. When nothing came from writing “My Vision” concerning a return to Blair Valley, I became quite discouraged.
I could no longer endure that yo-yo, between encouragement and discouragement every week. What I did not understand at the time was that I was turning my expectation of God into one direction only, into the fulfillment of the Community of my heart. I was not applying it to my family’s everyday life. It would not be until the summer of 2021, eight years later, before God would change all of that, but that is for a later chapter.
Nonetheless, I love Joel and Victoria Osteen and their ministry to God’s people. From then until now, whenever I drive by Lakewood Church on the freeway, I bless them with all my heart out from the Spirit of the Lord.
Mom’s Memorial
My sister, Cheryl, planned for us to gather at her house in Oregon on July 27th, a Saturday, to have a memorial service for Mom and to place her remains in the plot next to Dad’s in the Lacomb cemetery. We did not have the money for us all to go, and so I flew by myself from Houston to Portland, Oregon a few days before the memorial.
The last time I had been in Oregon was in November of 1997, almost sixteen years earlier. Oregon had held a powerful emotional place in my heart, and I was not sure how I would react in revisiting it. I arrived at the Portland airport around noon. It would be a few hours before Frieda and Tim’s flight would arrive and Sarah, Cheryl’s daughter, would pick us all up at the airport.
To fill the time, I took the bus into downtown Portland to visit again Powell’s book store, a place I had loved to visit in earlier years. I looked for a locker to store my stuff, but there was none. I asked a guard and he said, “No, we have not had airport lockers since 9/11.” My thought was to say, “I guess the terrorists won, then,” but I did not. There was a fierce desire in his eyes that would have loved to take me down. So I climbed on the bus with all my stuff. I enjoyed my visit at the book store and ate at a nearby restaurant before returning to the airport. I had never really liked Portland, however, and in comparison to Houston, it went down a few more notches in my estimation.
Back at the airport, Frieda and Tim soon flew in, and we rode together with Sarah down to Albany. We dropped Frieda and Tim off at the motel where they were staying and went on to Jefferson, Oregon, where Cheryl and Dave have lived their whole married life. They have a small but comfortable home on a large town lot with lots of fruit trees and vines. Jenelle had already arrived with her two children, Grace and Sean. I shared a bedroom with Sean, who was around 10, a nephew I had hardly known.
I had thought that I would borrow Cheryl’s car to visit my old haunts on Roaring River and Crabtree Creek, but once I was at her home, I realized that I no longer felt any emotional bond to those places and I chose not to stir such a thing up again. I spent the next few days visiting with Cheryl, Dave, and Jenelle, and with Tim and Frieda. We had not seen each other for years, yet we are family, and very comfortable together. We had some good and long conversations.
Glenn and Kim had chosen not to come to the memorial. Glenn simply did not want to face our brother Franz. In fact, we did not know if Franz would come to the memorial or not.
We had a wonderful memorial service at the Lacomb cemetery. Franz did not come, but all of his children were there with their families and all of those I have already mentioned. We gathered in a circle around mom’s grave for a time of sharing. Tim Louden, especially, had some really good things to say. I shared some good things as well, and prayed. Some expressed to me afterwards how much my prayers meant to them.
After the service, we all went for dinner to Franz and Audrey’s, the home place where I had grown up. Franz was able to come out of the house and join us for the meal, which was set up on the patio and yard. Audrey suggested that we not go into the house in order not to put undue pressure on him. After dinner, Franz and Audrey took us on a tour to see all the changes they had made in the gardens and between the house and the road, which were extensive.
The biggest thing was that Franz had built a large shop next to the road for his bee-box-making business. By this time, however, he was no longer able to work the business. They had put in many garden beds and fruit trees throughout to be ready for times of difficulty. During our tour, Tim connected with Franz and walked with him, visiting, and keeping his mind off of the animosity he felt towards the rest of us.
And so I must share with you here concerning my brother Franz. I can do so out from the goodness of Jesus carrying all.
During the years after he returned to Oregon, Franz had connected, as I have shared, with those working in deliverance ministry towards Satanic abuse victims. During that time he had learned of many dark things taking place, yet Franz had no sufficient counterbalance in the truth of Christ.
The result was that Franz began to write terrible emails to different family members, though he never wrote one to me. I do not know what all was said in these emails except that he denounced the person to whom he was writing as well as all of us, including me. As I shared, it was Frieda who helped me to place Franz into the realization that he was injured and ill.
Franz had become very dark. His children were not able to continue working for him. His business had ground into nothing. They were on the verge of losing the property to foreclosure.
Franz had come out onto the patio deck when I arrived. I greeted him warmly. He was not outwardly hostile, but there was a sad grin on his face as he said something curt against myself and against Joel Osteen. I did not respond, but Audrey apologized to me later.
I remained at Cheryl and Dave’s for a few days more. We pondered much about our brother, Franz. Audrey had been connecting with Bill Johnson’s ministry in Redding, California, and asserted strongly that she expected that God would restore Franz to a sound mind.
After I returned home to Houston, then, in a continued communication with Audrey, Freida, Cheryl, and Jenelle, Audrey asked for our response to their letting go of the home property. I responded for all of us. I wrote to Audrey that, while it was sad to us that we would lose the property, we supported her absolutely in whatever decision she felt was right.
Soon after, the bank foreclosed and Franz and Audrey had to move out with all their accumulated stuff. Audrey moved in with their son Jason and his family in Newberg, Oregon, but Franz was not willing. He stayed in the Lacomb/Lebanon area living out of his vehicle.
As I had considered this account of my brother, I had thought that I would place before God, here in this chapter, my determination to contend with God in the resurrection for Franz’s sake first, that I would be the one to break through the gates of his hades and draw him out into the kindness of Jesus. That was not something I was able to do while Franz was still alive, but I was ready to commit myself as soon as I was able.
Franz passed on a couple of years later. I did not go to his funeral because we simply had no money for me to do so, and I do not know the details of his sadness. Nonetheless, my relationship towards my brother changed dramatically in January of 2020, but that is for a later chapter.
I want to conclude this portion by placing the Lord Jesus upon my limited relationships with my brothers and sisters. Although I would spend a number of times over the next few years in Glenn and Kim’s home in Minnesota, this was the last time I saw and visited with my other siblings face to face.
Frieda had been on my mailing list and had read my letters for a while, but at a certain time prior to Mom’s memorial service, she had unsubscribed. Every “unsubscribe” is emotionally difficult for me, and thus I pause and bless that person in the Lord. Frieda’s “unsubscribe” was the most difficult of all. I know nothing of her reasons and will not speculate.
After this visit to Oregon, Cheryl read my letters for a while, but ceased doing so after a couple of years. To my amazement, Jenelle has continued to open all of my letters to this day. I know that she sees the world in a very different manner than I do. It is my hope, however, that she receives some goodness through what I share.
After the memorial service, I thanked Tim for what he had shared and for taking Franz under his care during our visit. I had observed that there was something in Tim against me, not necessarily an animosity, but definitely a reserve. I know that he had been offended with me during the time that he and Frieda were separated, yet they had come back together again, just as I had hoped. I have always held Tim in high regard and looked up to him since I was a boy.
I think, though, without knowing for certain, that there is also a blame towards me for leading them as a family into move community, and then bailing out myself soon after. As I have shared, this blame is certainly understandable and even justified.
Yet I know that the day will come when they will give thanks in turning their experiences in move community into utter goodness, together with the Father, and when that time comes, the abundant goodness flowing out from their time in move community will bring blessings to many. I know that Jesus carries each one of us every step of the way and that He does all things well.
By the authority of the Lord Jesus which He shares with me, I speak overflowing goodness into the lives of each one of my siblings, not only that they would know the Lord, but that through their giving of thanks, multitudes of people will be abundantly blessed.
Back to School
This summer, Maureen’s time of taking care of her present clients came to an end. At the same time, a friend had asked her to care for her mother, Melba Turner, in Kingwood, Texas. This new job meant more pay and would last for several years. Miss Melba, however, could be difficult at times for Maureen.
At the same time, Katrina became an intern for the summer at Jesse Jones Park, the place we had often attended. James wanted to be an intern as well, but he was too young.
In August of 2013, we prepared for a very different school year for several of us. First, Johanna was returning home from Canada. She rode down with her stuff in the vehicles going from Upsala to the Missouri summer camp. I rented a small SUV and drove up to the Missouri community with James to get her and her stuff. We enjoyed driving through the mountains of Arkansas on the way there and back. We stopped at some really cool folksy stores in the Ozarks.
This was the first time I had been to the small move community in southern Missouri. It was not a comfortable experience for me, and I was very glad to leave the move behind me once again.
So Johanna was back home, except she didn’t want to move back into her old room. Instead, she wanted the room with the patio doors. She had money from working at Upsala, and so she paid for new French doors going out onto the patio as well as new flooring and a complete redo of the walls with new paint. She bought some really nice old-fashioned furniture as well.
Johanna wanted to become a hairdresser. The nearby college, where Kyle was attending, had the better cosmetology program, but Johanna had set her heart on attending Kingwood College, about twenty miles away. This would cost more and be further to drive, but I helped Johanna work through all that enrolling in college for the first time takes, including a number of visits to councilors and the registrar.
Johanna would attend Kingwood College for two years, from which she received an associate’s degree in cosmetology. It’s a beautiful campus, and I had reason to visit there a number of times. At the same time, because Maureen was also now driving to Kingwood, this proved to be an added provision of the Lord.
Through this same time, Kyle had been floundering a bit in his pursuit of an audio engineering certificate. He had completed all the required courses except for one, which was already filled to capacity. So Kyle had no certificate or way forward. I knew that Kyle needed a nudge into a clear direction. Kyle’s grandpa, Claude, had been an electrician, and I had observed that Kyle carried some of Claude’s good qualities. I pointed him towards the electrical construction program at San Jacinto college. Kyle already had all other courses needed, and so he would be able to complete the electrical certificate in a year.
Kyle latched onto that direction and soon found himself under the teaching of an older gentleman, Mike , who became a great mentor to him. Kyle also arranged study groups that he might help other students to learn what was easy for him. His path was soon set towards his electrical license and towards teaching.
Kyle was still working at a local Taco Bell while attending school. One day in November, a young man near his same age, named Will Fonder, came into the restaurant and struck up a conversation with Kyle. The two connected and became close friends to this day. And so Will became a part of our family. He was from Fredericksburg, Texas and was teaching junior high English at a local school, while finishing his master’s degree. Will is the kind of guy that is easy and good to converse with, and so he and I had many long discussions on teaching writing.
This fall, Katrina began her 11th grade year at CE King high school and James began his 8th grade year at CE King middle school. Katrina continued immersing herself into the drama program and choir, and James into the band program. We attended all of their performances. I always appreciated that Kyle also attended the performances of his brother and sisters. Soon Will was joining us at times as well.
Meanwhile, my own career was going in two directions at the same time. First, I applied for teaching as an adjunct instructor of developmental writing with the Cypress-Fairbanks branch of Lonestar college. I was hired to teach two courses of developmental English at the small Fairbanks branch in northwest Houston, about a forty-five minute drive from home. I taught my writing course for two semesters in this building, a time and place I enjoyed very much.
At the same time, I was thinking that teaching college English full time would be something I could do. I was not qualified, however, unless I obtained fifteen more credit hours in graduate level English, for a total of eighteen. (I already had three from LCU.) I found that the English graduate program at the University of Texas at Tyler was right for me. Most of the courses offered were online, which meant I could work at home.
I applied to the Master’s of English program at UTTyler and was accepted, again on a provisional basis. I justified obtaining student loans so that I could afford this step by the rationale that I would be able to pay them back with a better paying full-time job teaching college.
At the same time, we clearly needed a second vehicle, especially for Johanna to drive to her school in Kingwood. For that reason, we went looking for a Suburban. We found an ideal one for just $6000, a red 2004. Johanna had the money to buy it that August and then I paid her back when I got the student loan. Our Suburban was my favorite vehicle that we have owned; it carried all of us plus one more, with lots of stuff, and it was very comfortable to drive.
I enrolled in three courses for the 2013 Fall Semester, Bibliography and Research Methods, Studies in Victorian Literature, and “Teaching Poetry Writing.” The poetry course was not online, however, but at the Tyler campus. I wanted that course, so I drove up to Tyler every Thursday afternoon for the evening course and then back home again. It was a 3 ½ hour drive each way. I would get home after 1 AM. To make this all work, I rented an economy car from the local Budget rental each Thursday morning, returning it, then, on Friday morning. I spent the long hours of driving listening to my audios of Through Eyes of Fire, which I had put on CD’s.
The poetry course was actually an introduction to poetry at the graduate level. The instructor, Theodore McLemore, had no idea why it was listed as “Teaching Poetry Writing.” I really enjoyed this course and Mr. McLemore, even though he was semi-hostile to Christian thinking. The two large assignments I did for him are among my favorites. The first was a compendium of poems that I selected, weaving explanations through them out from all we had been taught. The second was a large research paper, forty pages long. My first choice, a layout of a poetry writing course, was turned down. I then chose to do a paper on the Anglo-Saxon poem, The Seafarer.
Dr. Karen Sloan taught the other two courses, both online. I gained the most from the Bibliography and Research course, for it gave me what I needed for the next job the Lord had for me. For the last part of this course, we listened to the lectures of a leading U.S. professor of literary criticism. This professor was brilliant, one of the most astute teachers I have ever heard. The most amazing thing about his lectures was that, after listening for several hours, I realized that he had not said one thing that had any meaning.
The Studies in Victorian Literature course was a different matter. It did not take me long to discover that I had inadvertently wandered into a dark Marxist religious cult that by this time had occupied all college English departments in the United States. I had to maneuver through stuff that was quite offensive to me, but I managed to hold my own. When the instructor wanted us to denounce a particular character in a novel, I swung back with the realization that he was Asperger’s, like me, and that, as an autistic boy growing up in a world he did not understand, he had no help. This silenced the “three-minute hate” which is part of Marxist ideology and practice. I did manage to get an A in this course.
From Through Eyes of Fire to The Two Gospels
Writing Through Eyes of Fire contained many momentous experiences for me as God gave me clarity of understanding in a number of basic issues that would rule all my subsequent understanding of God’s reality.
After “Sealed in the Storm,” I worked with the issue of how a God of love requires justice of all, that all things stolen in the darkness must be restored. A reader questioned some things I said, and so I doubled down and wrote the chapter “Restitution.” Writing this chapter fixed my understanding that has continued until now. Inside this issue was the contention over “Lucifer.” Some readers did not like my use of that name. My argument is, who cares what you call him, but he must be named, for we must know that our enemy is an individual and limited person. Yet from this time on, I have used mostly “the serpent” or “the evil one.”
Meanwhile, Bonnie was writing things to me that were just contrary to my relationship with God my Father through Jesus. I worked for weeks on an article which I hoped would refute forever all reliance on self for salvation. That article is titled “Hear and Obey?”
Then, Chris Welch continued writing things against other believers in Jesus, including Joel Osteen. At the same time, a reader sent me a piece denouncing Billy Graham. I wrote the article “Two Women or One?” as a direct pleading with Chris Welch to understand that if Jesus can save him and me, then Billy Graham or Joel Osteen is no problem to him. Those who denounce “sin” in others, are, in fact, exalting their own self-rightness.
Understanding the story of self in our human consciousness came through these chapters. I had chosen not to write on any topic in John’s vision that I did not yet know through Paul’s gospel. For that reason, I skipped many things. But suddenly, I saw that the scroll of Revelation 5 and 6 could be one thing only, the letter of Christ written upon our hearts. For the first time, the enigmatic things of John’s vision began to come under Paul’s gospel in my knowing.
Kathy MacDonald continued to send me long and deeply encouraging emails in response to the things I was writing. I wrote “Time to Hear” in response to one of those emails. Writing “They Sat on Thrones,” and “Judgment to Life’ were milestones for me, followed by a transformation of my understanding of everything in the chapter “Appearance versus Substance.” Much of Scripture is based on this principle, and yet the church has never understood it.
I completed Through Eyes of Fire and had it as a printed book by October 20. Meanwhile, I had already started writing The Two Gospels. My purpose in writing The Two Gospels was to discover what God actually means by basic gospel terms, beginning with – What is Paul’s gospel? I did not yet actually know the answer to that question.
I was writing The Two Gospels, then, through October and November, when the darkness of the Marxist cult that ruled the thinking in the UT Tyler English department began to bother me such that the contention entered into my chapters. Whatever I am going through always impacts what I write directly. I wrote this in the chapter titled “God.” ~~ “Now, why would I bring Karl Marx into the question, What is God? (That is, why would God have me fuming over Marx while I'm trying to know Him?)” ~~
We were using a short story by Mark Twain in the Bibliography and Research course, and thus a long quote from Twain shows up in the chapter “Travail.” I am convinced that God placed me into this arena to cause me to hit up against these very issues first hand. The truth of God must fit into the contentions of humans in this world and it must give full answer to ALL.
The fellowship inside the Facebook thread was continuing inside the anointing of God despite of some of the contentions taking place. I now know that Annalize in particular felt an unease towards Rich Novek, but when she tried to share, Rich and his wife came out with strong words against her. I stepped into this contention with gentle words of seeing one another as the Lord Jesus, and Rich apologized. Still, I was skipping much of the flow of conversation because it was much too “noisy” for me. Yet I often inserted some of what I was writing.
Kathy Macdonald had joined this fellowship group, but Bonnie Morris did not. There were a number of other readers of my letters in it, as well as a number who were not readers, people Chris Welch had connected with and brought into the fellowship.
Then, Chris Welch “corrected” a sister inside the fellowship in, apparently, a harsh manner. This was a sister who had known Norman Grubb and who did not accept anti-Christ-as-me nonsense. She immediately left the fellowship. I did not read any of this, but rather, I came back in to read some very dark comments being made by Rich Novek, things I had heard in the move being spoken against people who “left,” things I absolutely HATED.
In response, I wrote the letter, “Church,” in a much stronger tone than how it appears in the final version. The truth is, I was referencing Rich Novek’s actions, not Chris Welch’s, for I had not read any of his involvement.
I have run out of space in this chapter to include what happened next, and so it must await the next chapter, “Time to Turn Around.”